Insecurities of the Adoptive Mom

I think when you adopt, there tends to be that fear in the back of your mind that your child will one day think you are not enough.  There is for me, anyway.  I worry about when they’ll start wondering about their biology and that mysterious birth parent.   I’d be lying if I said that I don’t dread the idea of them wanting to know more about her.  But, for the record, I do understand that it’s all natural and I will answer their questions when the time comes.  And, I sometimes worry that when my kids get mad at me, they will wish that someone else had adopted them.  I don’t worry about it all of the time, but it does cross my mind more than I would like.  But, it’s the cross that I bear for being an over-thinker, I suppose.   Most of the time, though, I am secure in the knowledge that there is a lot of love in our family and that we are just plain meant to be together.  .

But, sometimes my insecurities get the better of me.

It was a rough morning.  Antwan was not cooperating and I thought there was a real possibility that I was going to lose my mind.  When I finally got us all in the van and heading to school, I decided to use the opportunity to lecture my youngest son. 

I was lecturing Antwan on how he needs to follow directions, cooperate with me, be part of the team, and anything else that I could think of .

And, then he said…

“I want to go to another home.”

What???  I could practically hear my heart breaking.  Feeling extremely rejected, hurt, and a bit mad, I turned around and said, in the calmest mom voice that I could muster,.

“Don’t you ever say that!  Do you understand?”

He quietly said “Yes.”

Then my anger quickly faded into hurt.

And, I continued, while barely choking back tears, “Antwan, that really hurts Mommy’s feelings.  It’s not nice to say something like that, just because you are mad at me.”

I looked at him to see if I was getting through at all.

He looked at me with a confused expression and then finally said, “But, why Mommy?  Why does it hurt your feelings?  I just wish we had a different house.”

Then the realization struck me that we were having two very different conversations. 

“Oh, so you’re just talking about us moving to another house?”

“Yeah” he said, still looking confused by my reaction.

So, Antwan had picked that moment to ponder previous conversations about wanting to buy a house and the idea of us moving?

With great relief and totally ignoring the fact that he had obviously not been paying any attention to my lecture at all; I explained that I had misunderstood him.  And I told him that I also wanted to move.  

Then I went back to driving.  I was feeling a little foolish and a lot relieved.  I completely forgot why I was mad at him in the first place and really didn’t care at all how late we all were, anymore.  🙂