She’s also the analogy queen. It’s like she has a Analogy Thesaurasus and she skims through it before each session. But, I’m not making fun of her, it’s brilliant. The point of analogies is to drive a point home and they do. One of her favorites is to say that William has a fire burning inside him and it’s causing smoke. The smoke equals the behaviors (i.e. lying, stealing, etc) but until we figure out what’s going on inside (what’s causing the fire), we can’t really help him. Just putting out the smoke won’t stop the fire.
We wouldn’t have him in counseling if we didn’t realize that there was turmoil within, but the analogy does, in fact, drive the point home. I’m frustrated with his behaviors and I can ground him all I want, send him to bed early, or whatever else I can think of; but that won’t solve the problem. She’s not suggesting that he doesn’t deserve consequences for actions, she’s just suggesting that we keep it in perspective. To wear our “perspectiples.”
I have already learned so much with this intern who is wise beyond her years. (I don’t know how old she is so maybe she’s appropriately wise, but, either way, she knows her stuff.) She’s made me realize how much shame and lack of worthiness that William probably already feels. It’s something common to former foster children. When your first 5 years involved not being your mother’s top priority, it’s easy to assume that you’re not worthy of being a priority at all. He may feel like his mistakes are who he is and that he’s not necessarily worthy of love.
So, why does he do these things when all we try to do is show him that he is and tell him that he is worthy? Why doesn’t he believe us? Why does he reward us by lying? The answer is…I don’t know. I just know that it stinks. Can the bucket with a hole in the bottom ever be closed by super Parker super glue? Will it ever be enough? Again, I don’t know.
Is she right when she says that, due to his trauma, his threshold for how much love and reassurance he needs to feel secure might simply be higher than the average child? I think she is. I think he must need more than we have been giving because the amount that we are giving is clearly not enough. And, that’s daunting. Because I feel like I’m giving a lot. I mean, I know that I fall short, sometimes. I see those moments. But, am I falling even shorter than I thought? How is that possible when I thought I was standing so tall? (Ok, now I’m getting carried away with the analogies!)
But, the most concerning thing of all is this. She told me that at the last session he reported that he felt like he couldn’t do anything right. That’s not surprising, he has said that before. It was the fact that he told her that we told him that. That’s simply not true. That’s a blatant lie. I have made plenty of mistakes in how I have interacted with him in our time together, but never anything so blatant. And, Brian, the one less likely to get overly-emotional when talking to him, hasn’t either. And, of course, I told her so with a defensive tone, I’m sure. 😉 But, then I realized something as I was assuring her that we didn’t say that. (Even though, she pretty much already knew that.) He wasn’t lying. His mind was twisting whatever we did say and internalizing it as that. He’s famous for misconstruing things that are said to him. Which is why I often say things like “To be clear, I’m saying this…… I’m not saying this……” It’s scary to think that even with our best efforts, a kid who believes he’s a failure will be convinced that others do, as well.
I don’t know what the answer is. But, I know what I need to do. Well, I kind of know what to do cause in a lot of ways, I don’t have a clue. But, I know that I have to try a little harder, be a little more patient, be a little (or a lot) more careful about my word choices, just be a little better. Because, even though, it seems terribly unfair that I have to put so much mental energy into one kid who quite frankly has made our life so complicated when I have 3 others who need and deserve a bunch of mental energy, too….it is what it is. So, I have to figure it out. He’s my son.
Last night, as my kids and husband got ready to eat their gourmet frozen pizza, I made them mute the tv for a minute.
I announced to my unimpressed children. “You’re all good people and we love you!” I continued, “You might make mistakes, like everyone else, but that doesn’t make you bad people. It has nothing to do with your souls, what’s inside. You are good people!”
I think that I said a few more things but they probably had zoned out by then, anyway.
Except for William. He smiled and said, “Ok.”
Baby steps. 🙂
//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});
//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});
I love how dedicated you are to your family but have to admit that I sometimes worry when I read posts like this about their permanency on the Internet and how the kids won't always be so small and might have friends who came across these posts. I completely understand the need to blog for your own mental health but wonder if it might make some sense to protect the individual kids identities (at least to some degree).
LikeLike
nike outlet, christian louboutin, tiffany and co, christian louboutin uk, jordan shoes, ugg boots, longchamp outlet, michael kors outlet, louis vuitton outlet, christian louboutin outlet, louis vuitton outlet, ugg boots, longchamp outlet, burberry outlet, replica watches, burberry handbags, tiffany jewelry, michael kors outlet, polo ralph lauren outlet online, gucci handbags, louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses, michael kors outlet online, louis vuitton outlet, louis vuitton, prada handbags, replica watches, uggs on sale, michael kors outlet online, oakley sunglasses, ray ban sunglasses, uggs outlet, chanel handbags, ray ban sunglasses, tory burch outlet, nike air max, nike air max, oakley sunglasses, prada outlet, michael kors outlet online, ray ban sunglasses, oakley sunglasses wholesale, polo outlet, michael kors outlet online, cheap oakley sunglasses, kate spade outlet, nike free
LikeLike
mulberry uk, polo lacoste, coach purses, nike air force, replica handbags, michael kors, nike air max uk, hollister pas cher, nike roshe run uk, kate spade, coach outlet, burberry pas cher, ray ban pas cher, hollister uk, north face, ray ban uk, new balance, polo ralph lauren, true religion jeans, nike air max, lululemon canada, jordan pas cher, michael kors pas cher, sac hermes, hogan outlet, timberland pas cher, true religion outlet, abercrombie and fitch uk, nike blazer pas cher, nike free run, nike tn, nike free uk, sac vanessa bruno, nike roshe, sac longchamp pas cher, longchamp pas cher, true religion outlet, michael kors outlet, ralph lauren uk, true religion outlet, guess pas cher, michael kors, oakley pas cher, louboutin pas cher, converse pas cher, coach outlet store online, nike air max uk, air max, vans pas cher, north face uk
LikeLike
herve leger, celine handbags, chi flat iron, louboutin, iphone 6 cases, ferragamo shoes, mont blanc pens, ipad cases, bottega veneta, babyliss, oakley, vans outlet, nike huaraches, iphone cases, hollister clothing, wedding dresses, reebok outlet, insanity workout, iphone 6s plus cases, ralph lauren, nfl jerseys, abercrombie and fitch, soccer shoes, baseball bats, mac cosmetics, mcm handbags, soccer jerseys, north face outlet, iphone 6 plus cases, new balance shoes, asics running shoes, nike trainers uk, timberland boots, giuseppe zanotti outlet, ghd hair, longchamp uk, nike air max, s6 case, jimmy choo outlet, lululemon, iphone 5s cases, hollister, north face outlet, beats by dre, hermes belt, nike roshe run, instyler, p90x workout, valentino shoes, iphone 6s cases
LikeLike
swarovski, ugg uk, canada goose, moncler outlet, louis vuitton, moncler uk, marc jacobs, converse, moncler, montre pas cher, moncler, canada goose uk, canada goose, juicy couture outlet, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, pandora jewelry, ray ban, swarovski crystal, coach outlet, thomas sabo, louis vuitton, louis vuitton, ugg pas cher, canada goose, links of london, juicy couture outlet, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, hollister, toms shoes, canada goose outlet, supra shoes, doudoune moncler, karen millen uk, gucci, hollister, canada goose outlet, pandora charms, canada goose jackets, moncler, moncler, lancel, vans, nike air max, moncler outlet, pandora jewelry, wedding dresses, converse outlet, replica watches, pandora uk, doke gabbana, barbour, barbour uk
LikeLike
2016022meiqingray ban uklouis vuitton outlet onlineray bansray ban outletmichael kors outletcanada goose jacketschristian louboutin outlettory burch salelebron james shoes 13uggs outletugg outletmichael kors handbagsmichael korscoach outletlouis vuittonugg bootsray ban sunglassesmichael kors outlet onlinechanel handbagsthe north face outletcheap soccer shoesuggs bootstimberland bootsfake oakleyspandora jewelryray ban sunglasses outletcheap oakley sunglassesp90x workoutsugg australiamont blanc pensinstyler curling ironchanel handbagsmicheael kors outletabercrombielouis vuitton bagskobe 9nike air force 1abercrombie and fitchmichael kors outlet onlinefitflops
LikeLike
You definitely have a point, especially now that they are getting older. When I first started blogging, I worried about whether I should be more secretive about their identity, in case the biological mother ran across the blog. Then I decided to do the opposite because I was determined not to live in fear of that. I have to admit that I didn't really consider that their friends might eventually find it when I was barreling ahead with it. I have held a few things back from the counseling experience, though, that I know that William would never want shared. Which kills me because I am a sharer! haha. Unfortunately, I think the die is cast to a certain extent as their pictures, etc, are already out there, but I will definitely keep this in mind. Thanks. 🙂
LikeLike
air max 90abercrombie outletnew york jets jerseysmiami heat jerseyeagles jerseyssupra shoes saletods outlet onlineoakland raiders jerseysfred perry poloabercrombie and fitchkansas city chiefs jerseyspuma outletcowboys jerseysnike soccer shoesnike outlet storenew york giants jerseyspackers jerseysnike free runningboston celtics jerseyair jordan 13chicago blackhawks jerseyscolts jerseysnew york knicksnike free 5steelers jerseyscarolina jerseyswashington redskins jerseysseattle seahawks jerseysfalcons jerseyvalentino outletnike foampositetods shoes salenike outlet store onlineseahawks jerseyhollister canadaredskins jerseysysl outlet onlineair jordan 4chicago bullsmac cosmetics salelinyuan0420
LikeLike
mulberry outletfitflops saleswarovski crystalcheap jordanscheap snapbacksfitflops shoeslongchamp handbagsoakley sunglassesmichael kors outletlouis vuitton outlet storetory burch outletferragamo outlettory burch outlettiffany and cotiffany outlettory burch outlet onlinegucci outletprada outletlebron james shoeslongchamp outletswarovski jewelryrolex watchestrue religion uk outletlouis vuitton handbagsfitflops shoescoach outlet onlinemichael kors outletprada shoesjordan shoes 2015cheap jordanscoach handbags outletmichael kors outlettory burch outletmichael kors factory outletlouis vuitton bags16.7.7qqqqqing
LikeLike
coach factory outletlouboutin shoesray ban sunglassesmichael kors outlet onlinetoms outletcoach factory outlethollister jeansugg ukmichael kors bagsghd hair straightenerscanada goose coatugg salekobe 11kate spade handbagsadidas outletugg outletmont blanc pensrolex watchespolo ralph laurenair jordan 8oakley outletmichael kors handbagsreplica rolex watchesair jordan 11canada goose jacketsasics shoesfitflops shoeslouis vuitton outlet onlinecanada goose jacketstory burch bootsmichael kors outletmbt shoesray ban outletred bottom shoesoakley sunglasses outletcoach outlet store online clearancescoach factory outletlouis vuitton outletchenlili20160824
LikeLike
This blog is so nice to me. I will continue to come here again and again. Visit my link as well. Good luckobat aborsi
LikeLike
The KD9 has been on top of our performance charts for almost a month now. It’s no surprise that Swoosh is releasing more and more styles. However, in case you kevin durant shoes forgot, you can check the performance reviews here from NYJumpman23 or Nightwing2303. If you weren’t fond of the previous color releases, you’re in luck because Kyrie 1 the “Birds of Paradise” is just around the corner.It’s that time of year when we’re all anticipating previews of Nike Basketball’s latest and greatest. KD Trey 5 While the NBA season doesn’t start for another two months, the Olympics are over and we now have to patiently wait for previews of the kobe basketball shoes upcoming LeBron 14 and Kyrie 3. In the meantime, NIKEiD has both the Nike Kyrie 2 and the Nike LeBron 13 on sale for a LeBron shoes limited time only.It’s rare that any sneaker goes on sale via the customization site, but now you have the chance to make the Kyrie 2 KD Shoes For Sale and LeBron 13 yours with a number of unique prints, patterns, and color options before Nike decides to take these two signature offerings down to kobe bryant shoes make way for the defending champions’ upcoming silhouettes. Be sure to head over to NIKEiD here and here to start customizing your pair today and Kobe 9 be sure to use the promo code FALL25 to save some extra cash while you’re at it.The Nike Kobe 11 EM Mambacurial will be Curry Shoes another version of the soccer-inspired Nike Kobe 11 release.The Mambacurial Kobe 11s are inspired by Kobe Bryant’s love for soccer. After taking a look at Curry 2 the FC Barcelona colorway, as well as a “What The?” pair, here’s another one.This Nike Kobe 11 is more traditional to the Kobe 8 that KD 7 released a few years ago. Dressed in a Pink Flash, Action Green and Red Plum color scheme. The shoe is highlighted with the “NIKE” branding LeBron 10 on the heels.Look for the Nike Kobe 11 EM “Mambacurial” to release on September 15th, 2016 at select Nike Basketball retail stores. The retail price kyrie shoes tag is set at $160 USD.Camo print is supposed to blend in but this colorway of the Nike LeBron Soldier 10 will definitely stand Nike Hyperrev out on-court.Taking its ‘Soldier’ name literally with a woodland camo print on the mesh upper, this colorway uses
LikeLike
louis vuitton outletreplica watches for salepandora jewelrychicago bulls jerseysadidas shoeschristian louboutinmichael kors uklouis vuitton outletralph lauren ukpandora jewelrychenlina20160928
LikeLike
The Dolphins Flag is viewable from both sides with the opposite side being a reverse image.Fly your Dolphins Flag with our tailgate pole or 6' aluminum flagpole and adjustable flag bracket.dallas cowboys american flagcowboys stars and stripes flagsDallas Cowboys house flagscheap Denver Broncos house flags
LikeLike
Considerando che il nuovo casa Tottenham e corredi assenti presentano finiture in oro, il Tottenham Hotspur 2016-17 terzo camicia vede il colore prendere in consegna la totalità della camicia, la creazione di un look completamente nuovo per il club.maglie calcio 2017,maglie calcio poco prezzo, Maglia Barcelona 2017 vendita Maglia Deportivo a poco prezzo shop
LikeLike
new balance shoesoakley sunglassespandora charmscheap nba jerseyssalomon bootsnike blazer pas cherabercrombie and fitchralph laurencheap michael kors handbags
LikeLike
ugg australiacanada goose salelouis vuitton borseadidas trainersmichael kors outlet storecheap jerseysghd straighteners salemont blanc penpandora charmsrolex watcheszhi20170121
LikeLike
michael kors outlet onlinecoach outletmichael kors handbags clearancenfl jersey wholesalecoach outlet store onlinemichael kors outlet onlineralph lauren uktory burch outlet onlinelongchamp outlet onlinecoach outlet onlinechanyuan2017.05.26
LikeLike
ugg bootsralph laurennike huarachecoach outlet onlineray ban sunglasses outletray ban sunglassescheap nike shoes salechristian louboutin outletralph laurenmichael kors handbags sale
LikeLike
kate spade outletburberry outletspurs jerseyslouis vuittontory burch outletvikings jerseyssnapbacks wholesalelouboutin pas cheradidas yeezyadidas yeezy boost 350chenlina20170614
LikeLike
now present in your city
LikeLike