My Son Thinks He’s Alone

I took William to counseling on Friday.  He had been silly and chatty through most of the day, but got quiet as it got close to our appointment time.  So, I know that he must’ve been nervous.  As we sat there waiting, he put his head on my lap until she called him back.

As I waited, I learned a lot about what the stars wore to the golden globes and decided that Jennifer Anniston must be lots of fun to party with.  (You gotta love waiting room magazines.)  I also obsessed about what William was saying to the counselor about me.  We had explained to him that he could say what he needed to say and how she wouldn’t run back and tell us, unless it was a safety issue.  And, I think it’s very important that he feels safe talking to her.  But, all I wanted to do was run back there, throw open the door, and yell – “That’s not true!  Whatever he said, that’s not true!”  But, I didn’t. 😉

When he was done, she called me back and confused me by telling me things that he had said.  Some things frustrated me like how he told her that we said that he was going to kill someone.  Why would they think that, he asked her.  Of course, what Brian had said was he could have accidentally killed someone if things got out of hand.  His point was to explain to William how potentially dangerous his choice was.  It frustrated me because Brian and I had both clarified that with him already, but I guess it isn’t sinking in.

Some things were hard to hear like when she told me that she asked him how he felt about his biological mother.  She probably only paused for a moment when she said that, but for me, it felt like an hour passed as I waited to hear what he said about her.  Finally, she continued and explained that he took off his glasses, started to cry, and said that he didn’t want to talk about it.  She let it drop and told him that he could if he ever wanted to.  She told me that there was a lot of pain there.  It hurt my heart, but it definitely makes sense.  Because, really, how could there not be…

Some things I needed to hear like when she was telling me that he said he eats lunch alone, how the kids pick on him, etc.  This wasn’t new information, of course.  But, then she said that he feels alone.  I thought to myself, how can that be?  We’re taking him to counseling, considering homeschooling, and worrying about him non-stop.  All I want is for him to be happy and “ok.”  Then, it dawned on me.  I’m talking to Brian about it.  I’m talking to my family and friends about it.  I’m blogging about it.  Everyone knows how concerned I am.   But, I wasn’t telling him. Why wasn’t I telling him?  Then, I knew that I had to so just that.  He needed to know that he wasn’t alone.  (Hey! who is getting the counseling here??)

So, we left.  We walked to the van in near silence.  I managed a “How do you feel?” and he said “Good.”  We went to my parents (who were watching Lizzie and Antwan) and then headed to Wendy’s for a comfort fast food dinner.  Lizzie and Antwan rode with Grandma and Grandpa so William and I were alone in the van.  It was so quiet.  I knew that I needed to say something, I knew that it would make things better, but I was over thinking it (I do that) and didn’t know how to start.

Finally, when we were pulling in to Wendy’s, I started to talk.

“I need you to know that you are not alone.  Yes, Daddy and I are upset.  Yes, you made a bad choice.  But, we are on your side.  I really need you to know that you are not alone.”  Pause  “Ok?”

He said “ok.”

And, you know what, it did make things better.  I think that he did feel less alone.

And, as we walked into Wendy’s, he said, “One thing that I didn’t like about counseling, when she asked me about my birth mother, she kept calling her my real mom.  Finally, I got so upset that I started to cry.”

Wow, she played that one wrong. 

I fought the urge to go emotional Emily and instead calmly agreed that she should have used the correct terminology.  I told him that I would politely mention it to her.  And, I will.  Because she really should know better.  But, for once, I went a different way in my head.  Instead of getting hung up on how insulting using those terms are, I realized something else.  He was upset that she was referring to someone else as his real mom.  Because for him, that’s me.  Now I know that the counselor was right about there being pain there.  And, I know that he is going to want to know more about her one day.  But, I also know that I’m his mom and he feels that.  With all the other things that he’s confused about, he’s not confused about that. 

And, you know what, that made me feel less alone, too.

He stayed close to my side through out dinner and seemed more at peace than I had seen him in awhile.  Although, admittedly, it’s hard to tell with him.  And, as confused as I am and as worried as I am about the future,  I finally felt in my heart that we’re gonna be ok.  Because, you know all you need is love, etc, etc.   We’ve got that.

P.S.  Thank you for your supportive comments and messages (and for reading!).  It means a lot to me and really helped me gain some perspective on our situation.   That, also, made me feel less alone. 🙂