I want to be happy. I want to feel fulfilled. I want to figure out what my passion is and follow it.
But, I’m not. And, I haven’t (yet).
A couple of months ago, I started working. It’s not because I wanted to. It’s not because I thought I needed time away from my kids. But, I wanted to contribute financially. I wanted to help us pay off our debt so we can finally buy a house. Brian works his butt off but there are six of us. That’s a lot of us’es! So, I interviewed for a few things and when I interviewed to be a supported living coach, a position that I had held and loved before the kids, it seemed meant to be.
Before I go on, let me explain what the heck that is! A supported living coach assists adults with disabilities with living independently. That could mean taking them grocery shopping, explaining mail, helping with doctor appointments or anything that is part of life. Sometimes it even means going to movies.
Anyway, as I talked to my future boss, I remembered why I loved the field. I liked her immediately and loved the fact that she brings her dog to work. I left feeling really good.
It wasn’t long before I got the call back but here’s the twist, she wanted me for a different position. She basically wanted to create a new position. She wanted me to coach a couple people, but also work on quality assurance and oversee their new transportation department. She said she needed a right hand person. Talk about an ego boost! I was pretty excited and digging the fact that I wouldn’t be driving around all day, every day.
So, I got ready to start my job. As they trained me in all kinds of interesting managerial stuff, I realized how much I liked talking to grown-ups. I was exhausted but felt intellectually stimulated. I felt so….relevant. I hadn’t realized how much I needed it. All three kids were in school, I was succeeding at work, and we were slowly but surely, getting better financially. It wasn’t perfect but it was close. And then one of the coaches quit.
And then my boss needed someone to cover those people. And I was blindsided with basically a demotion. Now, that wasn’t how it was meant. She just had a list of people needing services and it was more crucial than my new hybrid position. I’m sure she didn’t think it was going to bother me since I had originally interviewed for that position. But, the thing is I was happy. I had found something that I didn’t realize I needed. And, I was going to lose it.
So, suddenly, I found myself out in the field full-time with no reason to go to the office and talk to the people that I had bonded with. If I had to stop by for whatever reason, I would find myself interrupting their meetings instead of attending them. I felt like I had been kicked out a club. Yeah, I know, my reaction might be an over-reaction. But, what are you gonna do? It’s my reaction.
Anyway, I had to get over it (or pretend to) and remind myself that it’s a job. And, there are a lot of perks to making your own schedule and working with very little supervision. I don’t have to elaborate there. 🙂 But, I’ve also discovered that it’s not the same. Being in charge of 8 people’s quality of life is way more emotionally exhausting when you have to then go home and be there for your children. And, in general, their patience is on level with my own children so….
So, here I am. I’m driving around town, wearing myself out, and being constantly reminded that my back doesn’t like being in a car all day. I’m in a constant battle with myself and my id. I don’t want to waste my life doing something that I don’t love but I also don’t want to waste my days constantly struggling. So, I’m trying to hang in there.
It really isn’t horrible. I don’t want to make it sound that way. I still love my boss who I never get to see and the office dog that used to hang out by me while I typed.
I enjoy working with this population and I love that I can stop in the middle of the day, take a long lunch, type this blog post, and no one cares. But, this break is also brought to me by one of my guys who bailed on me and I don’t have time to squeeze in anyone else before picking up the kiddos from early release. Either way, I’m enjoying my KFC because I will be scrambling to get the required hours with him later.
They say that if you do something that you love, you won’t work a day in your life. I can’t relate, at this point. But, until I get paid to tell everyone what I think of my new job, in great, dramatic detail; I guess I’m stuck with working many days in my life. But, I’ll try to remember to appreciate those good moments. I’ll try to accept things I can’t change and look at this job as an opportunity to change what I can. And, not to state the obvious, but I get to do something that really matters for some people who really matter, in the meantime. 🙂