Life After Loss: Coping With Suicide

Trigger Warning: Death/Suicide

If you follow me, you know that we recently lost our son to suicide and are now facing the challenges of coping with suicide. You can read about it here.

Now What Do We Do

As you could imagine, when we were faced with making funeral arrangements for our son, we had no idea how to proceed. Honestly, it didn’t even really occur to me. I was aware in an abstract way but I hadn’t really faced it yet. That is until our friends set up a gofundme. Then it hit me. We have to bury our son. We have to bury our son??

Early on, we knew we were going with cremation. Unfortunately, it was partly a financial decision but also we had absolutely no idea where we would bury him. We decided that we would have him cremated and he would stay with us and eventually be buried near us. What an absolutely awful thing to think about.

It didn’t take long to pick out an urn. We told them that he liked blue so she pulled up the blue urn options. And there it was. Bright blue with silver stripes. It was perfect. He would have loved it.

Saying Goodbye

We knew we wanted to see him and say goodbye before cremation. We brought in his Takis hoodie for them to put on him. He loved Takis.

We walked in the chapel. There he was. He was in his hoodie, he looked peaceful. He looked like him but didn’t.

I wanted to kiss his forehead because the cops wouldn’t let me on the day he died. They brought him out on the stretcher, covered up. I asked if I could kiss him on his forehead to say goodbye. I was told no. So I watched helplessly as they wheeled him away and loaded him in the ambulance.

But they weren’t here now. But still, I was afraid someone was going to stop me from having a final moment with my son. I think I told Brian that I didn’t know if I should touch him and he reassured me that I could.

So I kissed his forehead. I leaned down and wrapped my arms around as much of him that I could reach. I put my hands on his and just tried to connect to him in any way I could.

I remember that I kept calling him “honey.” That’s note even my go-to but I just kept saying “Oh, honey, honey, I’m so sorry.”

I don’t know what I was apologizing for. The reality, I guess.

Was He Asleep?

When I looked at him, he looked like he was asleep and all I could think was that I wanted him to wake up.

I started saying “Wake up! Wake up!”

I would have given anything for him to open his eyes and tell me that this wasn’t really happening. That there was some sort of mistake because there was just no way this could be real.

But he didn’t wake up. And we had to leave him there; knowing that we would never see him again. Not in this form, anyway.

Cremation

I assume he has been cremated by now. And I know that soon they will call and tell us that it’s time to pick up the urn. I’m dreading it. It will be another brutal reminder that this is real. Because it is.

The World Needs You

Again, if you are out there and you feel lost or that things would be simpler without you. It’s not true. I wouldn’t wish that moment on anybody. I know that we are not the only ones who have had that moment and were faced with coping with suicide but I sure wish we could be the last.

If you need help, ask for help. Please. Call the suicide prevention line. Let them help you.