Understanding Child Behavior: Lessons from My Four-Year-Old

My four-year old son, Antwan, is at a tricky age. He knows he’s a kid, but he doesn’t want to be treated like one.  Actually, he’s always been like that, so maybe it’s just that he’s tricky.  He doesn’t find anything more frustrating than feeling like he’s not being listened to. He is often the voice of reason and is uninterested if his reason is reasonable. But he keeps things interesting.

Parenting The Parent

On numerous occasions, Antwan has lowered his voice, told me to calm down, and explained his point of view when I was expressing my disapproval over any given situation.  He truly believes that once I understand what’s going on, all will be well.  But, of course, I really don’t want to know why he has water all over the floor or why his clothes are off or why the toothpaste is on the bathroom wall, I just want him to stop. 

Antwan couldn’t possibly love his sister, Lizzie, more and puts up with a lot from her.  I have no doubt that he always will.  But he really hates it when she yells at him.  And she does yell.  We’ve successfully filled her adorable head with enough self-confidence to tell any of us exactly what she’s thinking at any given time.  So, she does.

I think it really hurts his feelings when she yells at him.  Often, he will break down into tears and come to me for a hug as he explains that Lizzie yelled at him. 

Co-Parenting

Lately, armed with his belief that we are partners and co-parents to Lizzie, he’s been trying another tactic. 

The other day, I hear Lizzie yelling.  Then I hear Lizzie crying.  Then I hear – “Mom!!  Antwan hit Lizzie!”  So I yell “Antwan!  Get in here!” 

When he comes in, I immediately start to firmly tell my child that he should not hit his sister. But I didn’t get any farther.

Because Antwan said- “Mommy!  Mommy!  (He put his finger on my mouth.)  Now you just calm down.  Lizzie yelled at me, so I hit her.  (He paused, seemingly for effect).  She shouldn’t yell at me.”

Now what do you do with that??  I tried, desperately, to regain some appearance of being the parent in the room and explained that I would talk to her about yelling. But I reminded him that it was never ok to hit her. 

It Happened Again

Same basic scenario. 

I hear her yelling.  I headed to the room to deal with the situation or try to anyway.

Before I get to the room, I hear her cry, and she comes running to show me her hurt finger. She was screaming that Antwan hit her.

Again, I talk to Antwan.  Again, he tells me to calm down. Again, he explains that she yelled at him.  Again, I explain that we don’t hit. 

The Conversation Continued

Antwan – “She yelled at me.”

Me, trying another angle, “Antwan, you can’t ever hit Lizzie.  She’s just a baby.”

Antwan – “Yeah.  She’s a baby who hit me.”

Me – “Well, yes, but” I stammered.

At Least It’s Over

I really have no idea what I said next.  Butit muAtst have been somewhat effective because I don’t think he’s hit her since.  Or, more likely, he decided based on his own conclusions that it wasn’t the way to handle it.  He is the co-parent, after all.