Suicide And The Ones Left Behind

Trigger warning: Suicide.

Suicide. Virtually every day, you hear or read a story about someone who took his/her life. I always thought that was terribly sad, of course. But it was someone else’s tragedy and nothing that I ever thought I would be able to relate to directly. That was until my son killed himself.

Mental Health Is a Struggle

My son, William, always struggled with his mental health. We were in and out of therapy, trying different medications and just trying everything that we could think of. When we moved across town, he started to find himself. He started going to the gym and got some muscles. After a lifetime of people constantly commenting on his small size, it felt good. He told me more than once that exercising helped his depression. We felt like things were really looking up.

Recently, he started to teach himself how to play the drums and the bass. Coming up the stairs at night, I would often hear the drumming. I remember poking my head in one night to tell him to be quieter and I saw him with his headphones on, eyes closed and completely in the zone. It was so cute, and I closed the door back without him ever being aware that I came in.

But he was still struggling. A few weeks prior, he told me that he was feeling very depressed. We talked, hugged and talked some more. He said he felt better. I hoped that he just needed to get it all out. I knew I was being naive but I hoped that I wasn’t. I started asking him every day, how he was feeling. Just me checking seemed to make him feel better.

The weekend before we lost him, we went to Megacon. He brought his bass and practiced at night. He went to the convention with us. We let his younger siblings stay back for part of the time. But William wanted to come. He loved going to conventions and being among the freaks and geeks. We had some good quality time and when we headed home, I was feeling at peace. I looked back at him in the back seat and he looked so peaceful as he napped with his bass. 😍 Wow, was I wrong.

His Last Night

Sunday night, he took a couple of walks. He let me know each time that he left and came back. He asked me whether I got the autograph that I wanted. I said that I hadn’t, and he said “Damn.” His last words to me were ” damn.”

The Day Our World Fell Apart

Monday morning, I stumbled out of bed and went to let the two dogs out of his bedroom and take them outside. When I tried to open the door, there was a box in the way. I was annoyed. When I got the door open, I saw him standing there.

In the dark, without my glasses, it took me a few seconds to register what I was seeing.

I said “William?” as I tried to figure out why he was just standing there by his open closet.

Then I realized that he wasn’t standing, he was hanging. And I realized that the box was on the floor because he had used it.

I won’t go into any more detail about the specifics. But the image is burned into my memory forever.

I immediately screamed for Brian. And he heard me. My voice doesn’t carry but he heard me. I was in William’s room with the door partially closed. He was in our bathroom in our room with both doors closed. He had the water running because he was getting ready to shave. But he heard me scream and immediately knew something was very bad.

What followed was a lot of emotional chaos. Brian confirmed that he was gone. I explained to his little brother what was happening. The other two were still sleeping, safe in their blissful ignorance, at least for a few more minutes.

Stages of Grief

When these things happen, you go through a lot of emotions. Those stages of grief are pretty accurate. Kaleb was angry. Antwan was bargaining. (He said that he shouldn’t have bugged him for batteries so much. Then he changed it to maybe he should have bugged him that night.) Lizzie was in denial, I think. Lizzie doesn’t show her emotions. And Brian and I, we were just devastated. I don’t know what that stage is but it’s not a fun one. Depression, I guess.

What I Learned

I would like to say that I have learned from this experience, but I haven’t. I’m left with a lot of questions and regrets. We both wonder if we should have done things differently; if we could have changed it or stopped him. We will never know. And somehow, we have to come to terms with that.

Maybe someday, we will.

But today, I am stuck in despair and disbelief. How could he leave us? Did we really just pick out an urn? And the biggest question is how do we go on without him? I have 3 sons and 1 daughter. That is how it is supposed to be. But William is gone. What in the world do I do now?

Get In the Way

If I had it to do over again, I would watch him every minute. I would sit in his room at night and piss him off by my invasion of his personal space. I would hide all the knives and extension cords. I would never assume that he is ok. Even if we just got home from a fun family trip. Because you just don’t know, you really don’t.

The house is quiet now. No one is playing drums or bass. No one is wandering around half- awake and a bit grumpy. Nobody is standing in our room at night, just to spend time with us. The silence is not golden. It is deafening. It is crippling. His professionally cleaned room is empty, too empty. His stuff is there but he is not. He’s gone.

Get Help

If you are struggling, please seek help. Don’t believe for a minute that the world is better off without you or that things can’t get better. Ask for help. Please. Call the suicide prevention line. Let them help you.