Moving On After A Suicide And Dealing With The Trauma

I debated about whether to publish another post about the loss of my son due to suicide. (Here’s the original post.—-> Suicide And The Ones Left Behind)

I don’t want overdo it but writing helps me and I don’t have it in me to write about anything else. Not yet anyway. So please bear with me.

Time Marches On

It’s been almost five weeks since William died. The world has continued to turn and people have continued to live their lives. As they should. I haven’t been back to work yet and I can’t imagine going. The idea of functioning like a normal person for a full day, how could I do that? We hadn’t been further than the gas station up the road in days. I have been spending my days cleaning, reflecting, crying, forcing myself to eat and sitting on the couch, staring into space.

I am not angry with myself and I know that we have the right to deeply grieve. But I just can’t imagine getting past it. I can’t imagine bee-bopping around my classroom, being peppy for my kids. Or genuinely enjoying a moment without immense sadness coming back after the moment has passed. I want it all back but it feels like it was a different person who taught ESE kids and enjoyed living in the moment. Different person and different time. That was me before William. (Life After Loss: Coping With Suicide)

Trying To Brave The World

The other day, I couldn’t take it anymore. I told Brian that I needed to get out of the house for a while. We decided to go to Goodwill and spend a gift card. And off we went.

It was strange. Wandering around a thrift store is one of our favorite things to do but now, it’s empty. Just like everything is. And we have this added emotional bonus of having trouble being apart. By having trouble, I mean, we can’t bear it. We follow each other around the house. We have been through a significant amount of trauma over the last five weeks and it has left us feeling afraid and insecure.

Fear Of Being Alone

So today when I walked over to an employee to ask the price of a pillow, Brian continued to wander. When I came back, I couldn’t find him. I called out but got no answer. I started looking around but didn’t see him. In a panic, I pulled out my phone and called him. He told me where he was and I rushed over. When I saw him, I think I said something like “I couldn’t find you.” Then I hugged him. He stopped everything and hugged me back. I could see out of the corner of my eye, a confused customer looking over and undoubtedly trying to figure out why our reunion was so dramatic.

I didn’t care, though. She could never understand. And honestly, that makes her very fortunate.

We stayed close together the rest of the time. We paid for my hard earned pillows and got out of there. I felt safe again when we got home. I might not be ready for the world yet. I might have to hide a bit longer. But that’s ok because it has to be. It is what it is and what it is sucks but here we are.