Navigating Life After a Heart Attack

When a loved one is in the hospital, it feels like you are in a movie or a tv show. This is my experience, anyway. I find myself noticing similarities and differences between tv shows like Scrubs and my actual experience. It all feels surreal. (This is apparently my favorite word for this saga.) On a Sunday morning, Brian went to urgent care for extreme back pain and ended up getting two stents put in his heart. (Read the backstory here –From Suicide To A Widow Maker Heart Attack).

It was a great relief to see Brian come out of his procedure. I was borderline surprised to see him alive. Our recent history has been full of sadness and loss. I was expecting it to continue. But, thankfully, it didn’t.

When I let the kids know the update and that he had made it through the procedure. I told them it was a widow-maker. The reactions ranged from disbelief to googling survival statistics. I tried to be strong but did admit to my Antwan that I was still scared. I got this response. (my sweet boy).

The following days consisted of different doctors and countless vital checks. When Brian was experiencing shortness of breath, I started to panic. The nurse was concerned, as well. But one shockingly strong diuretic later and he had expelled any fluid that may have been stuck in his lungs.

On Wednesday, they did the final procedure. They put one more stent in. I guess it took longer because he waited longer in the cath lab and they weren’t racing him down the hallway. But, still, to me, it was an eternity and I was sure something was going wrong.

But soon he was out and he was fine.

Mental Health After A Heart Attack

He was ok to go home that day but they kept him one more day to make sure all was well with his breathing. He was discharged on Thursday and we headed home to our latest new normal.

It has been a journey so far. A heart attack doesn’t just mess with your heart, it messes with your head. Brian is exhausted and scared of stress. Which he should be.

And I’m afraid of stressing him out which naturally, results in me doing just that.

It’s been hard, not all of the time, just sometimes. But when we have a tense moment, I have to remind myself that it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong (even though, obviously, I’m right. ). What matters is that things stay calm and that he is ok. (And that I’m right!.) But, really, none of that matters. All the little things, no matter how right I am, don’t matter. Heart attacks have been known to cause depression/anxiety and I don’t want him to have either of those things. Thankfully, the tense moments are rare and as a family, we focus more on being a unified front against the bad stuff in his body and in the world.

Is He Really Ok?

I’m constantly terrified. If he breathes hard or breathes light, if he walks slow or walks fast; I get worried. He has gotten into the habit of preemptively saying “I’m ok” because he knows the question is coming.

As I’m typing this, I just remembered that I was checking to make sure that he was breathing last night. He was breathing way too quietly so I had to feel to make sure. I remember feeling his chest and making sure it was moving. A little funny, a little sad.

Working On His Health

Of course, post heart attack life comes with a heart healthy diet. One of the worsts thing that we learned through this experience was how un-heart healthy our diets were. It’s a challenge because I make a lot of red meat dishes and casseroles. Or I did. And let’s not overlook how much more expensive it is to eat healthy. But it is what it is and it’s important.

We take short walks every day to build up his stamina. Every day, he can go a little farther. Every day, he feels a little stronger. But, he is still exhausted. Maybe it’s from the heart attack. Maybe it’s from the meds. Maybe it’s both. But it definitely makes life hard.

But he has a life and for that, we are all extremely grateful.