Does My Son Worry About The Future?

Kaleb has this weird habit of bringing up topics in blogs that I just wrote (but haven’t published yet) or am currently writing.  It’s like he has some bizarre, power never used-for-good, psychic super power connection with me.  It really happens all of the time.  

Anyway, yesterday, as I was still writing my previous post about name changes,, Kaleb randomly asked me to change his name to “Byron.”   He was just joking and referencing a cool name of some basketball player (or some sport involving a ball…).  I jokingly said that he missed his chance and I wished that I had known that we could’ve gotten away with changing it.  He was intrigued and asked what we would have changed it to.  I said that I liked Kaleb.  Then, somehow, the middle name thing came up.  I wanted to make sure that it didn’t get heavy so I just joked that we should’ve named him Kale.

Sidebar: Kale was the middle name that we had jokingly suggested when I trying to sneak in the idea of a double initial name.  Kaleb Kale would’ve been lovely, if you ask me. 😉

So, it was all silliness until he said, “And, if I was adopted by a family that had a K last name…”

He didn’t get the sentence out before I was reacting.  “What??”

He got quiet…and annoyed.

Me, still reacting, “You don’t worry about that, do you?”

“No.  (with an annoyed tone).  I was just trying to make a joke and you interrupted me.”

“I’m sorry, but this is important.  I don’t want you to worry about that.”   Unsure what else to say, I added, “You’re stuck with us.”

My snarky, but sentimental words were met with silence so I encouraged him to tell his joke.  Which he did. 

The joke was that if a future family has a K last name, he would be KKK.

I forced a laugh (because my head was still working on his other comment) and agreed that he was lucky that our last name started with a P.

Kaleb is loud, boisterous, seemingly completely confident, attention-seeking, and unwilling to take anyone’s BS.  I spend my days reacting to all of that; sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way.  It’s really easy to forget that he was damaged, in his past.  And, if I think that William has his feelings of rejection to deal with; God knows that Kaleb does, too.  And, maybe, he always will.

Yeah, in that moment, when he was trying to make a joke, all of it hit me.  It’s so easy to forget, but it’s so important to remember.  I hate the idea that, somewhere in his head, he might think it’s a possibility that this is not forever. 

I know that we will continue to drive each other crazy, I will get frustrated with his antics and his tendency to bring up random topics at inopportune times will make me crazy.  I will unsuccessfully listen when he needs to be heard, I will correct him when he needs me to just praise his ideas (he may have pointed that out to me…) and we will fight about grades.   I will fly off the handle over things that seem silly to him, I will sometimes wonder what the hell I was thinking by wanting to take on a teenager (not him specifically, just a teenager, ha), and there will be many times (maybe, even today) that I will not like him much (but always love him) and the feeling will be completely mutual.  But, as sure as I know all of that, I know that I will not abandon him.   I will not let that fictional, future family stick him with such awful initials.  So, they can just go ahead and back off. 😉

Kaleb, I’m sorry that we sometimes clash and that I snap and that I make you take a jacket to Grandma and Grandpa’s house so that Grandma doesn’t get cold.  I’m sorry that you won’t always be glad that you are stuck with us.   But, you are, in fact, stuck with us. 🙂

I don’t know if this will touch him deeply in his soul.   Or if he will think that I’m making a big deal of nothing.  I’m thinking the latter since, as I’ve mentioned before, he’s not a fan of deep talks.  But, I do know that no harm comes from reminding him.  Because as important as it is for me to remember, it’s just as important for me to tell him. 

His glasses are cooler than mine. 🙂



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