An old boyfriend of mine is dead. He died almost a month ago. We were together for, I don’t know, 2 or 3 years. And a good portion of it was awful.
I debated whether is was ok to write about this but then I remembered that it’s my story, too.
He wasn’t very nice to me. He made me feel like utter crap many, many times.
I forgave him long ago. I chalked it up to youth and immaturity. And by all accounts, he ended up being a great husband and father. However, he did a lot of damage. The complexes that he gave me as a result of all the things that he said and did, have had an impact on all my relationships after. Including my marriage.
Despite knowing that he must be incorrect in his beliefs about me, I still have always sort of wondered if he was right. Am I actually selfish? Am I really a bitch? Was his friend right when she told me that I was so lucky to have a guy like him?
When he passed, my feelings were complicated. I felt a loss but really, I had lost him long ago. Even before we had ended, I had lost who I thought he was. I didn’t know whether I should be sad because our relationship had been so hard. But, at the same time, there were plenty of happy memories and we had made peace after our relationship had finally run its course. And I didn’t even know if I was allowed to be sad. So, yes, I was sad but it was confusing.
What I wasn’t confused about was how much my heart hurt for his wife and children. It’s so damn unfair that his kids have to grow up without him. So I focused on that. And when I texted Brian from the backyard to tell him that he was gone, I was thinking of the kids. Brian came out, hugged me and asked me if I was ok. He told me that he was part of my story and it was ok to be sad. And I was.
That really isn’t relevant to this post but I wanted to brag about my emotionally evolved husband for a moment.
Anyway, a few days after his passing, his sister messaged me. She told me that in one of their final conversations, he had told her that he was thinking about reaching out to me. He wanted to apologize for how horribly he had treated me. What? He knew?
She wasn’t sure if he had in fact reached out so she wanted me to know.
Wow, I had no idea how much I needed to hear that. (Read that, whatever.)
I didn’t deserve what he put me through. I know that but now I know that he knew it, too.
It makes my heart happy that he grew into the person that I thought he was and it hurts my heart that he doesn’t get to continue to be that person here on earth.
Thank you, Dave, for saying the words I needed to hear and thank you, Sarah, for making sure that I knew they were said.
Dave, I just know you are now playing pool with the angels and know that your family will be in my thoughts, always.