The Truth About Love in Adoption

The adopted child. Is this child loved in the same way as a biological child? Do you love them differently? Do you love them less? Ever since adopting our boys, I have been sensitive to this topic. There has never been a question of whether they were adopted, at least not when my husband was with us. Because one time, someone did think that they were biologically mine.(Common Misconceptions About Adoptive Families)

But, for the most part, it was pretty obvious. This meant that people were more likely to unintentionally (and sometimes not so unintentionally) disclose what they really thought about adoptions and its perceived shortcomings. That horrible day that we lost our son to suicide was no exception.

Trauma Informed Policing

From the beginning, it was clear that the cops had not had a lot of training on trauma involved practices, or they weren’t paying attention when they did. More than one of the things that they said is still haunting me but this post is about adoption so I will share this.

The cop was being nice. It seems like that shouldn’t have surprised me but that’s another story. Anyway, I said to him “thank you for being kind.”

He said, “Well, it just broke my heart to see your son hanging there. I have a son his age and it just broke my heart. I know yours wasn’t biological but…”

What?? I didn’t say anything but wondered how he could possibly think that was an appropriate thing to say. I didn’t and don’t understand why he thought I would be less devastated because of the lack of biology between us. Because, news flash, I am not less devastated. I am completely devastated. I am “can’t sleep or wake up without thinking about it” devasted. I am “can’t walk in his mostly empty room without breaking down” devastated. Please explain to me what it would be like if I had physically carried him inside me. I guess then I would understand pain, huh?

Adoption Versus Biology

People’s need to point out the distinction between adoption and biological is baffling to me. As if an adoption child isn’t loved in the same way. I’m here to tell you that they are. We adopted William when he was five. Yes, there was a transitional period. No, I didn’t walk into the room and think, this is my son and I love him more than life. Sure, there is an adjustment. But, I’ll tell you, I did love him more than life. I love all four of my kids, more than life. Ultimately, life is what was got between William and me. He took his and I lost mine. Not literally for me…but might as well have.

The Cop Meant Well

Some people will think that I should recognize his good intentions and I do. I think that in that moment, he thought he was appropriately expressing sympathy. Was he expressing sympathy? Yes. Was it appropriate? No. Should he have been trained on trauma informed services or appropriate ways of discussing adoption? Yes. Should he also have known better because it’s 2025? Also yes.

Adoption Is Valid

For the most part, I don’t dwell on it. I know how much I loved my son. I also know that he knew I loved him. Even if it wasn’t enough to save him.

But I think it’s important to say something (Navigating Adoption). I think it’s important that the world knows how important this is. Biology is important but it’s not everything. Oh man, I loved William so much and I love Kaleb, Antwan and Lizzie just as fiercely. When we would all be together, I would sit and just watch them interact or watch their faces when they were telling me something that mattered to them. And I often thought my heart would explode with the love I would feel.

Now I feel like my heart is going to explode from the grief.

Anyway, after these family events, I would often tell my husband, Brian, that it was good for my soul. It really was. And my soul does not care how they became mine, it is just grateful that they are. And William, while he may be gone from this earth, he is still mine. He is still completely, 100% my son.