Foster care adoption taught me many things, including how to advocate for myself. I wanted to be a mom and I wasn’t going to let beaurocratic red tape stop me. Not for long, anyway! So in this post, I’m gonna talk about what you can do to help control your fate while trying to adopt.
Check out my post here more specific info about the process.
But, before I start, let me say that while I’m writing this from my perspective; my husband, Brian, was just as emotionally invested and everything I did was on behalf of both of us. 😊
So when you have completed the homestudy process and are officially approved to adopt, they will enter your home study in their system. But they will also give you a copy of your home study. You can join sites like AdoptUsKids and add your home study into their system. Then you can inquire about specific kids. Because you are approved, they will send you the child study which includes specific information about the child and the history.
Waiting For A Child
When we were approved, I assumed that case workers would be knocking on our door and begging us to take kids. But, not once, through the entire process, did anyone approach me (unsolicited) about a child, I had to go asking. (After we adopted the boys, we were contacted about Lizzie when she was born since she was biologically related to our boys. But, in the beginning, it was clear pretty quickly that we were on our own.)
So, I sent our home study to every agency in town and followed up with a phone call. Most places just thanked me for the home study and said they would be in touch. (They weren’t.) One place actually invited me to come in. I was thrilled.
When I got there. I sat in front of her desk while she looked over the “identified” kids. These are the kids that are adoption ready for lack of a better way to say it. The kids that they are focusing on. Oddly, she didn’t really have any suggestions for me. But she passed me off to another case worker in the office who tried to get us to take a very troubled little boy. He was so troubled that they were clearly desperate to get him somewhere. I think maybe they couldn’t find him a foster home or something but it was clearly a “situation.” She told me that he could sleep on a couch for a couple days while we got a bed. (In hindsight, I’m pretty sure that is against all the rules.) Even though, it was clearly a terrible idea, I was desperate to be matched with a child and would probably have said yes. But, thankfully, my husband vetoed it and I was glad he did. We would have not been a good match for him and it would have been a disaster.
Looking For Our Child
Through this process, we fell in love with multiple children and got passed over. There were the Russian pre-teen brothers (12 and 14) who had been adopted internationally and then been removed from their adoptive home after being found wandering on their own. We spent months planning our life with them and were genuinely surprised and heartbroken when they were matched with someone else.
There were the two little girls (6 and 3) who had been severely sexually abused. We fell in love but were not chosen.
Before them, there was a 12 year old girl who loved Italian food and animals. Since she had the same name that we had chosen for our daughter, years ago, we thought it was fate. The worker communicated with us for a few weeks and then stopped.
There were many that we didn’t even receive a response about. I still don’t really understand how there are so many kids in need of homes and yet it felt so hard to be given the opportunity to adopt one.
The Search Continued
I was obsessively searching, inquiring, asking to be considered and getting passed over. You see when matching kids, they have a staff matching meeting and they look at the child studies and home studies. Then they decide on the best match. Finally, after getting passed over for a 7 year old boy, it happened.
The case worker called and said that while we weren’t chosen for this child, there was a caseworker in the room who thought we would be perfect for two boys that they were trying to place. He didn’t have a lot of information. But he said they were 1 and 5 and they were having trouble getting placed because either the potential adopters only wanted the baby or they didn’t want to adopt black children. I didn’t have to ask Brian; I knew we weren’t concerned about their race and I knew that we were open to a sibling set. I confirmed that I would like to be contacted.
We waited impatiently for a call and thankfully, she called the next day because I don’t know if I could have taken the anticipation any longer. She asked if we wanted to be considered, she asked if it was ok that they were black, and asked if we were willing to take both. I couldn’t say yes fast enough. She sent the child studies and let us know that our home study would be in the next staff matching meeting. After we read the child studies, we let her know that we would definitely like to be considered.
I mean, I couldn’t have been more excited. I tried to reign it in because we had been rejected so many times but this was the first time that someone had reached out to us, in any way. She even kept in touch with me through the wait for the meeting to occur. Probably because I kept emailing her, ha.
Waiting To Hear
The day of the meeting, I couldn’t think of anything else. I think the meeting was at 2:00 and I kept waiting for the call all afternoon but it never came. I just knew that wasn’t a good sign. The next day, I emailed her but didn’t expect any good news. Not long after, she called.
I will never forget it. She said “we did…choose you.” But, inexplicably she paused after “we did…” It took me a second to register that she didn’t say “not” after.
I just couldn’t believe it I hung up the phone and cried. My coworkers nervously checked on me and were thrilled to discover they were happy tears.
Whirlwind
After that, everything happened fast. A supervised visit, a couple unsupervised visits and then an expedited placement because their fosters were going on vacation. I guess they figured it was better to send them “home” rather than respite for a few weeks. Normally, they would come for a couple nights or so, so we could all test the waters.
So on February 15, 2008, we picked them up, brought them home and truly had no idea what to do with them, haha. The adoption was finalized on May 9, 2008.
All in all, process took a little less than a year like they said. I do wonder if it would have taken longer if I had not been metaphorically banging on their doors. Would we have still found our way to the boys? I like to think so because we completely believe that we were meant to be together. But who knows. But because I was determined, we did get the boys and then Lizzie and then Kaleb.
We All Care About The Kids
I don’t write this to bash the system. While it is clear that it is flawed; I do believe that the people within the system really do want to do right by these kids. But, the case workers are over-worked. Some are just out of college and have no idea what they are about to get into. And, yes, probably some are jaded.
All in all, the process took a little less than a year like they said. I don’t really understand why it was so hard to get matched and I do wonder if it would have taken longer if I had not been metaphorically banging on their doors. Would we have still found our way to the boys? I like to think so because we completely believe that we were meant to be together. But who knows. But I do know that because I was so determined, we did get the boys and then Lizzie and then Kaleb.
So I guess what I’m saying is that it’s ok to fight for it for what you want. It might actually be crucial that you do.
the6parkers 